Brought to Tears

Tonight's workout was tough. With not training with Eric last week from being "out of commission" last Thursday, the workouts that I have done since last week haven't helped keep up my stamina or strength. Most of my workouts are cardio. Weights are usually not involved. Add the weights, and I'm struggling BIG time. That's what Eric does. Almost everything we do, there are 5-10 lbs weights involved. I literally have no arm strength whatsoever. I can barely do push ups on my knees, and never really have been able to whether at my weight now, or even when I was 130 lbs in high school. It frustrates the hell out of me, and I've been trying to do weights and push ups at home too, but I know I should be pushing myself harder, no matter how much I'm shaking and want to quit.

Towards the end of the workout, my eyes started welling up along with the sweat. I'm not sure if it was coming from the frustration of not being able to do something, anger at myself for wanting to quit, or depression of how far I've let myself go physically. Or maybe all of it combined. All I know is I tried to stop them, but they welled up anyway. When I left, I got in my car, and just let loose, crying almost the whole way home.

I called my husband and just talked his ear off about everything. It helped to get a lot of it off my chest, and I thank him for being there to listen and not criticize. I know it's going to take time, and I'm willing to put in the time, but I never imagined it would be this hard. Last time I lost weight, it was just watching what I ate, some treadmill and exercise classes 3-4 times a week. The weight came off so simple then. Now, being back on insulin, it's like fighting an uphill battle, and the scale isn't budging. I'm not quitting, I'm just frustrated as all hell. It's the whole reason why this time I hired a personal trainer. Because I NEED that extra edge. I need to push past and beyond my comfort zone, because obviously the workouts that are IN my comfort zone aren't doing $h!t for me.

Anyway, so that was my experience this evening. Eric thinks I should up the training to twice a week, but in checking his schedule the only evening that was open was Tuesday nights, and that's kickboxing night. I'll have to figure out something. Definitely have to keep doing more weight and strength training, so I can build it up.

As Ralph Marston twittered recently... "Base your sincere expectations not on what has already happened, but on what you would most like to see happen." "Remind yourself of all the ups and downs you've successfully been through. Know that whatever you encounter, you'll make the best of it."

Definitely have to keep pushing myself, and keep my eyes on my goal. Nite All!!!