Friday night we headed over to the local bar to see the live taping of The Underground, which is a local show on Fox about unsigned bands in the region. There was As Summer Dies, Three Score and Ten and The Battle. It was also the birthday of two of our dear friends, one being my roomie, Ryan (Crusher) and Stacey. That's a pic of my friends Natasha, Wendy (my kickboxing partner), me and Rachel. Of course, there was a lot of shots and alcohol being passed around, and I actually had 4 drinks myself within the 4 hour show. I had canceled my fasting blood work appointment for Saturday morning, knowing full well there was no way from 10pm to 10am I was going to avoid food, drink and smoking. Although I've cut down, I haven't "quit" yet, because I've seen the weight I've gained this week, and again, spent time crying and getting down on myself about it. I know when I blogged about crying about my weight last week, friends and family said that I'm too hard on myself, that's I'm beautiful the way I am. Thank you very much, I do appreciate the complimens, but beautiful does not mean fit and healthy. Right now, I know I'm neither of those.
For me, I do focus on the scale, and it's one of my biggest downfalls, but at the same time, for me it's a true test of what I'm not doing and things I need to be doing for myself, for my health and keeping my diabetes under control. I see my dietitian on Tuesday, and once again, I'm freaking out. I hate seeing the look of disappointment in her eyes, and I wonder if there are underlying issues that I need to see a counselor about. Is my weight a safety net for me? Is it something I have that to bitch about so that others can take pity on me? Do I purposely sabotage myself so that I won't feel like I come off as "better" than anyone?
I read the blogs of the more successful people that live the healthy lifestyle I want so bad for myself, and I often wonder if they at one point in their lives had these thoughts as well. I know it's not easy, and with anything you want in life, it will require focus, hard work, determination and drive.
I hope that with my battle plan at the gym, I will succeed. I'll be meeting with a personal trainer tomorrow and really find out if he has any suggestions for me. I was going to try out the spin class tomorrow, but forgot that I had signed up for my new member freebee with the trainer.
It's a new day and new week to prove to myself I can do this.
Hi cher. I am on the run today but I really wanted to respond to your post. I know you like Jillian from The Biggest Loser. I am a fan of that show even though many people hate it. I also like Jillian. So, saying that, I hope you don't get mad at me. Here is a quote from Jillian:
ReplyDeleteI can't save you, you have to save yourself.
Now, saying that, I still feel you have to be "gentle" to yourself like my other comment to you BUT at some point, we are all accountable for our own actions. From watching Biggest Loser, I am sure you know that many people are overweight due to emotional baggage. If you think that may be you, I would encourage you to speak to a professional for sure. Plus with your health issues, you really need to take control as well.
This Friday night out was great for you to be with friends BUT you could have chosen to drink diet soda, water or just 1 drink. My older post on "special occasions" put this in perspective. Not everything can be a special occasion. I celebrate my own bday but not every other person in my life.. meaning I eat for my bday celebration but not all others. Actually, when I was losing my weight way back when, I only "splurged" for my bday, Thanksgiving, Xmas/Hanukkah and maybe a couple other planned times I chose.
I guess this is some tough love on my part. I really do feel for you because I understand it. I have been heavier as a kid, been teased, felt horrible about myself & quite honestly, those feelings are still with me, the teasing is still with me & probably why I am such a "fanatic" now. I lost weight when I was tired of being teased, tired of not dating, tired of being the FAT one in the family, the FAT friend. I guess those are some of the things that help me keep the weight off & keep me striving to get better. I really do always see something else I can work on. People don't believe me when I say that, but it is true.
So, I really am not sure where I am going with all this but to say, if you might have emotional baggage holding you back, get that fixed! Try to keep your "special occasions" to a few & not more than necessary. Also try to not get down on yourself. I know that is hard because I have been there but studies show that the more we beat ourselves up, the more it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy (maybe this is where a counselor helps). And I really hope the trainer is good for you at the gym & motivates you even more.
We may fall back but get back up on & keep going. You can do it!
i definitely get what you are saying Jody. i don't understand why i know what i need to do, i know how i should eat, behave, etc, but can't just DO it! i get so frustrated, and even my dietitian has said how knowledgeable i am, but don't seem to follow through in doing it.
ReplyDeletei need the tough love. i do believe i'm "playing the victim" in some way, when in the end, i only have myself to be accountable.
thanks so much! i feel sometimes you are my online trainer, and i hope that i can post success soon!! *hugs* ty you so much!
PS, cher....just wanted to say that you can always email me privately to jody@truth2beingfit.com. And you are not alone. Plenty of people out there that get it & have the knowledge but don't follow thru. You just need to find what is going to work or you. Also, keep Jillian's quote in mind. Maybe talking with a counselor will help! Never hurts to try.
ReplyDeleteI used to think that seeking counseling was admitting so some major flaw and so I always looked down up it. But when a family member of mine had to see one, I really saw the benefits. I actually sit in the sessions with her for support, and I tell ya, it's helped me and I'm not even the patient!
ReplyDeleteFor me, change didn't come until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Even if you just do one small thing better than you did yesterday, you're on the right track. One less bite, one less cigarette, etc. etc. Yay for Cher!
Friday night was freaking KICK ASSSSSSSSS
ReplyDeletewe totally need to do that again!